I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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