Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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