Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
