Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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