I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
