I need help removing her.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
