Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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