Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
