Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
