yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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