oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
