I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
