Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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