Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
