Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
