I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
