Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
