you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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