How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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