also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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