my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
