i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
