My first STD was from a foam party
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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