Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
