Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
