I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
