I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
