I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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