I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
