4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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