the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
