Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
