I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't deserve a penis
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
