I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
