i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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