Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize