first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
