Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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