what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
