i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
