i don't like sucking hair
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
