even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
