at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
