mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
