so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This baby is an asshole
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
