I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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