I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
