My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
