I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
