I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
