Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
