where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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