after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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