I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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