i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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