I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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