I can't watch pbs sober anymore
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want a musical about memes.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize