I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You need a sexual gate keeper
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
