Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
