How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
