every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
