Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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