nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
