I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
